Do you ever say to your partner, “Wow, I can’t wait to have great baby-making sex with you,” or are you tired of timing the procedure to get the sperm where they need to be?
If you agree with the latter then you are not alone. Most of my patients struggling with fertility tell me that lovemaking has lost its magic. I remember sitting on the toilet and seeing my fertile cervical mucous and then calling to my husband, “It’s time, honey, I’m ovulating,”—hardly sexy.
To help get the intimacy back, here are some practical ways to fan the flame and make baby-making sex fun and passionate again. Because let’s face it, we so often forget to do the simple things.
1. Set the Stage
Turn your bedroom into a love shrine. If you are naturally a messy person, take the time to clean your room. Using the principles of feng shui, keep the colours in your room neutral and use a touch of red, maroon, or purple for pillows and accessories. Splurge on soft fabrics like silk throws or a new set of sheets that will feel great against your skin. Try lighting candles and play your favourite romantic tunes. For more fun, put some rose petals and feathers on your bedside table to touch each other with. Don’t forget to make your bedroom an electronic-free zone.
2. Massage Night
Take turns giving and receiving touch. Blend aphrodisiac essential oils like jasmine, sandalwood, or ylang ylang in some jojoba or coconut oil and massage each other. You don’t have to be a professional to do this. Explore light touch, kneading muscles like dough, pinching, using your nails all over your partner’s body. Some people like to add a little more aggressive touch like a pat on the butt—think Fifty Shades of Grey! Communicate with your partner how you like to be touched so it can be a pleasant experience for both of you.
3. Dress Up/Role Play
Explore your fantasies. For some women, that means trying on some new lingerie, or anything that makes you feel sexy. Something as simple as a wig can go a long way. For ideas, try taking a trip together to the local sex shop or even one online. I remember my partner once told me that he thought the school girl look was hot: long ponytails, a while button down shirt, knee highs, short skirt, and glasses. I dressed up in a version of it even though I preferred to dress up as a princess (I watched too many Disney movies as a child). The school-girl look was a winner. Maybe you want to be Cleopatra and have your partner fan you. Anything goes.
4. Two-Way Foreplay
The Kama Sutra, the ancient Indian text on human sexual behaviour written around the second century A.D., talked about the 64 arts, and it wasn’t just about sexual positions. Don’t forget the art of seduction. Read or watch erotica or try spicing it up with naughty words that you have never used. Sing your favourite songs, play an instrument and dance. Whisper in your partner’s ear. A couple I work with got hot and heavy in the kitchen after slowly feeding each other dinner. The bottom line is to spend time together.
5. Deeply Kiss and Hug
Remember when delicious kissing for a long time was amazing? I know it sounds simple, but don’t forget to make out. The same goes with embracing. Feel each other and make eye contact. Studies show just 4 minutes of eye-gazing can bring us closer. In Chinese Medicine, the liver energy opens to the eyes. It also encircles the genitals. We often forget to look at each other and spend too much time staring at our phones and computer screens.
Make sure to discuss with your partner how you want to “time” intercourse. Some men want to know the ovulation schedule but others do not. If you are both busy and there is only enough time for a quickie, have fun and laugh out loud.
The skills of reinventing your sex life and deepening intimacy will not only help you to conceive but also to reconnect and get closer to your partner. Soon enough you will be changing diapers, up all night and tired. Relationships continually require rekindling. The practical advice mentioned above may sound simple, but the question to ask yourself is, do you practice it? I spend a lot of time reminding couples of these various solutions because the bottom line is we all want to be seen and loved and it is through a heartfelt connection that babies can be made.
Natural Healing and Acupuncture Clinic
Denise Wiesner, LAc, FABORM, is the author of Conceiving with Love: A Whole-Body Approach to Creating Intimacy, Reigniting Passion, and Increasing Fertility. The founder of the Natural Healing and Acupuncture Clinic in West Los Angeles, Wiesner is an internationally recognized traditional Chinese medicine practitioner, specializing in the Whole Systems Chinese medicine approach to women’s health, sexuality, and fertility.